Bespoke Erotica

month

July 2011

1 post

Three Words: Lucky, Fresh, Spoiled

Tomas and Martine are a very attractive couple from Hungary who in December 2010 decided to spend their holiday in the Maldives. Unluckily (terrorism? pilot error? technical failure?), the plane on which the couple were flying crash-landed over the Indian Ocean. Tragically, the rest of the occupants died. Luckily, Tomas and Martine survived unscathed. This is where we find them now. Tomas was...

April 2011

1 post

Three Words: Sky, Dog, Window

Rosie, a German shepherd/Border collie mutt the color of a Caramello, made sure to spend a few hours in the afternoon lying on her side. She lay not just anywhere but in the regions of the living room floor where the sun tracked its afternoon hours. On Fridays, when the cleaning lady Joanna came, Rosie was displaced to the couch or to another room. There were three main resonant sounds in...

November 2010

3 posts

Payment: Shhh!, Precum, Thick-Wristed

A plaster mold of a client’s face, silver-leafed and mounted on a wooden board. Payment for Shhh!, Precum, Thick-Wristed.

An Examination On The Difference Between a Handjob...

This essay departs from the Bespoke Erotica formulation but I believe it maintains the animating spirit of the site. I was recently asked to distinguish between a handjob and jerking off. This essay, I hope, does just that. In this brief essay I hope to elucidate the ontological difference between a handjob and jerking off. First of all, we must define with what exactly we are concerned. The...

Three Words: Bloomberg, Fidelity, Sweat

Bloomberg was a billionaire and a mayor but he still needed a break. So halfway through his third term, the sexagenarian decided to take a vacation. Trying to shake the persistent charges of elitism that dogged him despite what he saw as his populist policies, Bloomberg chose to forego his estate in Bermuda. He decided on the Peruvian Amazon. Now being a billionaire has its perks. One of those...

August 2010

1 post

The other day I received an amazing piece of...

June 2010

1 post

Warren Zevon, tipsy, Fantasy Baseball

“Barry Bonds,” screamed Grant, enraged. “Barry Bonds is that what you said?” Lisa shrugged and licked her lips. A soft pretzel sang a love song in front of her, leaving an outline of itself in grease on the cheap paper napkin below. “Grease angel,” she thought. “You might as well have said Sandy Koufax,” he snorted. Lisa eyed Grant. They were in the midst of playing a game Grant loved and Lisa...

May 2010

2 posts

Three Words: Hubba Hubba Hubba

You never can change someone else. But you can, if you work hard enough, blind yourself to those angles and hues in them you deem unacceptable. Sand them through grit, young lover. Recast narcissism as creativity. Recatalogue nastiness as misplaced wit. Turn obtuseness to stoicism. The world can be yours. Just put your eyes out. Sheila had worked hard to blind herself in order to better love...

Three Words: Wool, Train, War

Miguel had always wished to be more ethnic than he was. Either more ethnic or less ethnic but not what he was, blandly semi-ethnic. When he applied for college, it broke his heart to check White. Miguel’s mother’s people were Chilean but traced their ancestors back to Bernardo O’Higgins, the Irish-born father of Chilean Independence. She was essentially Anglo though some Latino blood coursed...

April 2010

3 posts

Three Words: Sandals, Sashimi, Ship

Rhys felt the warm Caribbean breeze against alabaster ass cheeks, exposed westerly as Abel knelt also westerly with Rhys’ knob betwixt his lips. Things were going well for the lovebirds. Rhys moaned contentedly; Abel hummed and drooled. The sun indigoed the sky and dyed the waves. Gulls and terns called to each other. Riding a sea so uniformly blue it looked like construction...

Payment: Schpilkes, Tucson, Pinball

Dear Josh[ua], Thanks for creating smut with my 3 words. I think you found your calling. Enjoy burning this fresh desert sage in your house. It’s supposed to cleanse the air. I also put some cool rocks in here that I found on hikes. Over+out, [Name Redacted]

Three Words: Shhh!, Precum, Thick-Wristed

Waddle fit Los Angeles no better than a twin sheet fits a queen bed. His twin brother, Daub did. Waddle and Daub were born in Montezuma Iowa, April 20th 1980, 10 months after their mother, Bess Arabian, let the lard delivery man hike up her apron, slide aside her panties, prop her up on the prep counter in the back of the local Krispy Kreme and fill her with his man-cream. It didn’t last long,...

March 2010

8 posts

Three Words: Scrabble, Mac and Cheese (can that...

Christina had invited Edward over for Scrabble and, he hoped, sex. But after four moves, things were tense. Not for Christina, she was ecstatic as she laid down her tiles. Her lips parted in a triumphant smile to reveal shockingly white teeth set in a perfectly shaped alabaster face. “B-U-R-L-E-S-K,” she spelt the letters as she lay the tiles down, crossing Edward’s C-H-E-E-S-E, about which he was...

Three Words: Facebook, Fraud, Gluten

Adam’s penis stirred every time his gastroenterologist Dr. Brighton mentioned “endosperm.” This, of course, was inappropriate. Adam had been having painful stomach distress for months and, as Dr. Brighton explained, the culprit was gluten, a composite of the proteins gliadin and glutenin found in the endosperm—hard on!—of certain grass-related grains, notably wheat. Dr. Terry...

Three Words: Wrench, Beak, Talon

Teddy’s hot cock ball dash slap up ended abruptly. Bam! Hit on the back of the head with an 8 inch adjustable wrench right in the cervical curve. Teddy’s body went stiff suddenly and spasmed and stiffened again. Cum spurted from his penis like scuzzy water angel pee from a Roman fountain. His hand still clutched his shaft and face bore the same rictus of pleasure and pain of orgasm when the...

Three Words: Schpilkes, Tucson, Pinball

Located in the Southwest United States, in Southern Arizona, Tucson is one of the oldest continually inhabited areas in North America. Hohokam Indians lived and farmed here for 4,000 years before Spanish missionaries and soldiers arrived in the late 1600s. In the 1700s, these “newcomers” established the Presidio San Agustín del Tucson and theMission San Xavier del Bac — the two...

Three Words: Battlefield, Hose, Alarm

Love In a Battlefield “Ebenezer!” Sheila shouted, “Ebenezer!” The man in uniform didn’t turn around. As he trudged forward across the water-logged mud of a field a few hours east of Harrisburg, a full moon of pasty bald scalp showed through his black hair matted down with sweat. His kepi had fallen. “Goddammit, Jason! Turn around. You dropped your hat.” The man and his bald spot stopped....

Three Words: Ulcer, Tamper, Electrical Outlet

It was morning and Thomas fumbled with the Pavoni. The whir of the coffee beans being ground fine. “real fine,” he sighed as he tamped 2.4 ounces into a tight dark substance. “tight,” he repeated, “dark.” he had forgotten last night. The dark room of the Dugout. There he had fumbling rimmed a hairy architect—at least his butthole felt like an...

Three Words: Snooker, Pregnant, Brush

His balls were as small and hard as a snooker set as they collided with her bush, overgrown like a poor man’s yard. “Gordon,” she said, sharply. “Gloria,” he replied, stretching her name out like a ballerina’s limb. Later though after Gloria and Gordon tooth-baringly climaxed she went to the bathroom in his hotel room at the Marriot in Geneva. As she began to...

Three Words: Hasidic, Ikea, Discomfort

Rivka’s taint was hirsute and had the slightly sour smell of stale urine. I pushed her up gainst the crib—obviously a charity cast off—and lifted her cheap polyester skirt up. Her stockings lay in a synthetic puddle atop a version of a kiddy’s Torah. The slats of the crib moaned as I pressed myself against Rivka. One of the dowels connecting the side of the crib to the...